Death is hard!!!!
Jun 18, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sen8vdKRv94

[Music]
welcome to Wednesday no doofy
I swear I'm never gonna know the day
until I just like to stop and think
about like oh wait a minute that just
doesn't sound right yeah no we're not on
Wednesday
try again Amy uh anyways I wanted to
just check in with everybody excuse my
kids they are playing and having a ball
I'm letting them run out their energy
because it has been one of those days
that it's like bedtime cannot come fast
enough so if you want to run it out run
it out but I hadn't checked in with you
guys for a couple of days and there is a
good excuse as to why but multiple
things actually kind of just like piled
in at one time and kind of kept me away
from my feel me my camera and I don't
like it
um one was I was finishing up my big big
big order the biggest order I've ever
had at one time I finished that order
huh and then I just got another order
for four more cups and I have two cups
that I am I'm giving to a charity to
auction off not for me but for their
nonprofit to organization that is its
sponsors when women with children that
are homeless don't have homes they're
doing an auction and it's a silent
auction so I was approached and asked if
I wanted to donate anything from my
business and I was like you know what
yeah I will so I'm donating two cups and
I'm doing two makeup cases and I
couldn't be more excited just to be able
to be a part of this amazing thing that
is going to be happening so and it's
nice because they'll also be getting my
name out there for business because I
get to be put on their website along
with their banner and everything so
that's just awesome I own just I'm
so tickled to be able to be and not just
for that but just to be a part of
something that I have a you know I have
a heart for is you know the homeless
that I've talked about that quite a few
times on my channel about you know
wishing that there was more that I could
do for homeless people and I have been
steered in some directions to be able to
be a participant although right now I'm
just not in a position with the kids and
always work schedule and stuff it just
doesn't give me enough you know I I
don't have enough flexible time to be
able to commit to a certain amount I'm
but anything I can do to help in
anything I will definitely be right
there for it so anyways I did that I've
got two cups sitting I have one I was
going to show you guys I have one that
is absolutely curing curing sticking I
can't touch it at all
so also with this last couple of days I
am preparing for my dad's death
anniversary and I've also spoke about
that in the past and how you know he
passed away when I was eight months old
and so I obviously have no you know I
don't have any remembrance of who he is
I have no memories I definitely have
pictures you know but I don't have
anything that really sets me back to
remember a certain special time with him
and so you know all these years I have
told myself you know why am I gonna
grieve somebody I don't know why am I
gonna be you know thinking about
somebody I don't know on you know a day
that he died and and I think that that
was kind of a shield for me to protect
me because I didn't want to fill the raw
feelings of really grieving but this is
the first year that I feel like I'm in a
position in my life and I'm at a place
in my life where that grieving is really
it's really raw it's really real and no
I don't have memories of my dad but it's
still the grieving aspect of but it
doesn't mean that
I don't grieve the thought of having my
dad and grieving the feelings of having
my dad and it sucks because you know I
never put two and two together but my
dad died so close to Father's Day and I
couldn't imagine how you know how people
that do have memories with their fathers
could go through a day like that and not
be a mess you know mentally and
emotionally and you know this year it
wasn't it wasn't a sad day for me in the
sense that you know I didn't have my dad
but you know I got looking on Facebook
and I was reading everybody's post about
you know their fathers and you know
happy Father's Day and talking about
memories of their dads and sharing
pictures of them with their dads and as
I sat there and I reflected on it I was
like you know as I read all these
memories and feelings and stuff I will I
don't know what having a father is like
I don't know what it feels like to run
up to my dad and give him a hug or sit
in his lap and cry on his shoulder or
you know have my dad tickle me until we
cry laughing you know I didn't I didn't
have and I never will have my father say
that I love you and you're my baby girl
and you will always be my baby you know
I will never have an opportunity for my
father to walk me down the aisle to my
husband and be there for the birth of my
babies and be a grandfather to my babies
you know I won't have that security of a
father but as i sat there on Father's
Day I really was thinking about it and I
was like you know I don't know what it's
like to be to have a father and I and I
never will
but I do know
what a father does and I dunno what is a
father because I see it through the eyes
of my husband and it just really hit me
that I couldn't be more at peace that I
know my children will never walk the
shoes that I ever walked which was
wondering what it would be like to have
a father or have your daddy's arms
wrapped around you and you feel safe or
protected and so you know it was kind of
it wasn't a really rough day on Sunday
but it's been a little bit rough the
last day you know because I just have to
realize that I will never have that and
I have to accept that and let that go so
that I don't continue to search for it
because searching is only going to
continue to keep that pain and that
grieving going rather than be able to
not only Hill the the wound of not
having a father but allow myself to not
grieve anymore for the loss of my father
but be able to embrace my children and
my father through them because we are my
father
you know we are part of him and when I
looked at my little boy Omar yesterday I
was just looking at him and I I seen my
dad so much in him and just pictures
that I've seen and I actually have the
picture and post picture but this is the
picture of my dad I don't know if you
guys haven't be able to see that very
well I have a bad glare
and you know being able to really look
at Omar and see my dad in him I got like
this sense of peace like wow wow
maybe I never got to see my father but
I'm getting to see my father now and it
was just so such an amazing feeling and
so today I just got up and I brushed my
knees off and I was like you know I ami
you've got to get up and you've gotta go
you have to continue to live life you
know these babies are part of your dad
you know he is still here whether he's
here you know physically or here through
your children and you but he's still his
legacy still moves on and so yeah that
was a little bit tough yesterday and
today I you know I had a pretty good day
I you know we got up and we had to run
to Portland and go do some things up
there and I came home and finished the
one cup for the auction the other ones I
still I well I have a coverings I need
to put on both of them but the one up
there is still really tacky so I can't
lift it up or I would but before I show
you guys the cops I wanted to show you
guys this book remember I have talked
about this book a couple of times and
you know with everything that I have
been going through you know sometimes I
get so busy in my day and I get so busy
in life that I forget sometimes that I
need to stop and just look around
embrace where I'm at at the moment
because life is so fast like it just if
you don't stop it's passing by before
you can even blink and so I pulled this
book up yesterday because I've had it
for a while but I forgot about it and it
was a majora it said gosh you know I
forgot all about it but I just wanted to
read this with you guys
it's called present not perfect a
journal for slowing down letting go and
loving who you are
the artist who aims for perfection and
everything achieves and nothing so the
first page says rest your mind calm hold
on let's restart that rest your mind
calm your heart for your soul surrender
to the moment by observing all that is
happening in and around you write down
all the sounds you can hear right now so
that makes you stop and listen what are
you here I hear a fan blowing I hear
birds outside I hear the wind blowing a
little bit with the leaves I hear birds
and then what
since do you notice if any you got to
stop and you got to breathe in like so
you're using senses in your body by just
slowing down and that makes it calm calm
down slow down and this slowed me down
today and I just I rolled my eyes in the
back of my head and I just sat there for
a minute and I just took twenty minutes
and I'm going to start doing that every
day I don't care if it's in the morning
afternoon at nighttime I'm taking twenty
minutes a day for myself to sit down in
the quiet of my room or outside wherever
I want to go for 20 minutes and I'm
going to focus on what this book is
telling me to do and I'm just gonna stop
and let things just stop no thoughts
nothing unless the book tells me to then
you'll do so synthesis but it just was a
really good thing for me today I am
still just you know with talking about
kind of like where I am with my
nutrition so I'm still kind of doing the
interment fasting I think right now that
is what's working best for me I feel
really good I feel empowered that I'm
doing a great job I have been pounding
the water like pounding how do my
monster I'm feeling really good I have
not done any like major exercising
anything like that no I'm not doing it
yet I don't feel just quite ready yet I
did I do have bands and stuff and so I'm
gonna be able to do my arms but I'm
really waiting for my leg just to heal
up because I really don't want we went
to the park the other day and just I
mean I only walked for what was it ten
minutes maybe and my hip was like
cracking it was like I'm like okay I'm
done and so I'm just not pushing it just
yet I don't want to I don't want to hurt
something more than it already is when I
need to let it just hill so I can move
on and get over whatever is going on so
we can get on with the train but I'm
feeling good though I really really am I
just you know these are the harder days
tomorrow is the day that is my dad's
death day so you know it's just a
regular day you know I'm not it's not a
day where the day has to stop but it
definitely I think this year has meant
more to me than ever before and I think
again it's because I have been dealing
with my my childhood and that's part of
it is grieving up my childhood and
grieving my father because I never ever
did up because I said that it's not
worth it you shouldn't do it not that
it's not worth it but I didn't know him
so what's the point in grieving
need to know which makes sense but deep
deep deep down in those feelings it
doesn't make sense and that's where my
therapist is like you know it's their
feelings and you have to fill them you
have to face them because if you don't
you're never gonna get to the bottom of
it
so anyways enough with that okay so all
these cups that I'm showing you right
now are their daycare cups for a daycare
provider bought the cups for her daycare
children and so each of them are I made
specifically for the kids some might be
a little bit hard to see on camera but
I'm hoping that you guys will be able to
see them a majority of them but I'm just
gonna show them kind of quickly cuz I'm
I'm in love with them if you don't want
to watch this part you guys totally
don't feel you have to I just want to
show what I've been working what I have
been working on the last couple days but
anyways okay so we got Z pon da Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle yes you can't see
him very well but he is in there
I see him better or like in person but
yeah Garfield's got the ninja
you got Minnie Mickey Mickey Mouse as
I'm sitting here to talk stache boy this
was just like paint splatters pink beans
Donal duck and then it just has like the
kids as names on the back some I put in
the front somebody put it in the back
like this one it has in the front and
then some I just I put him on the back
shark this one's just a little cute
little zebra this little girl loves
butterflies so I was requested please
make butterflies for her so I mean we
got cats see it caps and like her name's
on the back that one it's a bunny kind
of hard to see on the camera on that one
that one's that was a tricky one hello
kitty
like I said I'm doing these really quick
Snoopy snow Snoop Dogg it's a cow
[Music]
go to penguin
we got Batman okay this one's just
multiple different animals let's see a
dragon her I don't know what you call
them dragon right okay that's it for the
daycare cups and then this is another
one that I made the other day just says
fancy on it with the name on the back
and then I have another one up there I
will see if I can grab it in just a
minute
but I wanted to show you the auction cup
that I made I am so in love with it so
this is all hand-painted I hand painted
it so it's just like I don't know if you
guys can see it very clearly the birds
everything is gone painted except for
this part so the the palm trees and the
little chair and the umbrella that part
is vinyl but everything else is painted
on the background is painted on the
black down here the mountains all that
is painted on and then this is another
one that was requested of me to make
it's a narrow do I don't know I don't
even know but it's these guys I was like
okay and then this one is very raw this
one is still got work to be done on it
but um this is the one that's kind of
tacky it's just like a beach theme what
so anywho that is what I have been up to
you guys that is what I have been
working on I'm hoping tomorrow to get a
better vlog out for you guys I am so
sorry that I have been slacking it's
just been I have I really needed to get
these cups up and out of here that I
have been working on him for way too
long and she has been so patient but I'm
just like I know you want your cups and
I want you to have your cups so that's
what was keeping me busy but anyways I
hope you guys had a wonderful wonderful
Tuesday and I'm sorry this is getting a
plate but I'm doing the best I can
anyways I'll talk to you guys tomorrow I
love you guys don't forget if you aren't
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playing done June 28th talk to you guys
soon bye bye
